And Then There Were Two
“Our two-year-old was doing fine until the baby was born. Now he’s having toilet-training problems, bedtime problems, and he’s even mean to the baby. What do I do?”
When a second child comes along the first child loses something very important. He or she is no longer the only object of parental attention. What used to be “all mine” must now be shared (toys, as well as attention and time), posing some adjustment problems for most children.
We recommend a two-fold approach at these challenging times. First, give your first child more attention than you normally would. He or she needs to feel special. He’s a big brother now. She can do things the baby can’t. He’s unique and has some qualities that make him enjoyable and special. This child needs to know that she has a valuable role in your family and is not being replaced. Overemphasizing love and attention may satisfy the need and the problem may just go away.
If not, we recommend that you also increase the firm discipline to reinforce the new boundaries. “No, you may not hit the baby. I want you to sit here until you’re ready to come back and show me how you can be gentle.” Firmness at bedtimes and when following directions is also important. Don’t excuse wrong behavior because a child is experiencing some emotional pain.
Be sensitive and loving but be firm as well. Your child has just grown into a new and important stage of life. Although we want to make the adjustment as easy as possible we don’t want to ignore the opportunity to develop character.
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