What do you think about where you hear the word ’soak’? As a single parent you might think of soaking the kid’s play clothes that have so many stains on they will never see clean again. Or your mind might go to that pile of dishes in the sink that have been there for several days. Or if you are a single dad you might think about the oil stains on that new shirt.

For single moms probably the last thing that comes to your mind is soaking in a nice hot tub with bubbles surrounding you. That is a rarity for most single moms. For single dads it might be just standing in the shower soaking up the warmth of the water.

When my kids were younger every once in a while when I thought they were busy with homework, I would try to sneak in a bubble bath just for me. Never happened. They figured out real fast that when I was in the tub I was a captive audience. If I remembered to lock the door, they would lie down on the floor and talk through the crack in the door. On days when I would forget to lock the door, I had to be ready to pull the shower curtain across the tub because if they wanted to talk, they talked. Now that I look back, I’m glad my children felt they could turn to me, their mom, with their problems or just to talk to me about their day and their friends.

I don’t want you to think about any of these things. I want you to take a few minutes to think about soaking in the Lord. Have you ever thought about just “soaking” in his Word? Let that sink in for a minute. Take a scripture, could be just a verse or two, find a minute of alone time, grab a cup of coffee or tea and just “soak.”

This next week try taking Psalm 32:7 “You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Let the words…
*  steep in your mind
*  infuse into your heart
*  drench your soul
*  immerse your entire being

All of these words mean the same as “soak.” He wants you to be like little kids who want so much to talk to their parent that they’ll lie of the floor and talk through the slit between the door and floor. Or they will barge into the your quiet relaxing time, not caring if they are disturbing anything. They need for the one they love to give them attention and time. God wants the same for you. He is our Heavenly Father who wants us to just “soak” in him.

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After thinking about what happens when her son badgers, one mom told us, “All I do is respond to his questions. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I thought it was good to talk with your kids.… It’s just that he won’t quit.” It’s true that talking with kids is helpful most of the time, but when parents indulge a badgering child, they become part of the problem.

After you identify negative patterns in your relationship, you don’t have to feel guilty that you’ve been doing it all wrong for years. The fact is that you’ve probably been doing a lot of things right. You just need a change because it’s time to emphasize something different. We find that many parents feel like failures when problems come because they’ve been doing what they think is right but it isn’t working. The fact is that one particular right thing may not be the best thing for your family at this time. The sooner you can see problems and make adjustments the better.

Parents must make changes regularly. It’s part of the job. Flexibility is important. In fact one mom said if Jesus would have written beatitudes for parents he would have said, “Blessed are the flexible” and “Blessed are those who know when to take a stand for righteousness and when to just love ‘em.” Pray a lot and ask the Lord for wisdom. In the end you’ll be surprised at the progress your children make.

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Taking a Break looks like this. When your daughter is arguing, acting wild, demonstrating defiance, or starting to get angry, tell her that she needs to take a Break. The specific place will vary depending on the situation. With young children, that place may be on the floor in front of the refrigerator or near the bookcase, close to where you are working. For older children it may mean sitting on the bottom step or in the hall. The location isn’t as important as the mission: settle down and come back ready for a debriefing.

When your child takes a Break, it’s important to let him or her help determine the length of time spent there. A child should settle down and then be ready to come back and talk to you. Allowing your child to initiate back when ready is important. If Johnny is ready after a minute and you require that he stay in the Break for fifteen minutes, you may discourage him or miss a teachable moment. On the other hand, if you set the time too short, then you may not be giving enough time for God to fully work. Take the focus off the clock and put it on the heart change that needs to take place.

Your posture, as a parent, is also important. You have the opportunity to stand with open arms, longing for your child to return. It’s as if you’re saying, “Come on now, settle down, and let’s talk about this together.”

Luke 15:20 offers us a beautiful image of a father waiting for his rebellious son to come back to him. The son views home as a place of safety and, although he knows he doesn’t deserve to return to the same benefits, he realizes that he can come back and Dad will accept him. The dad not only welcomes him home but also reinstates all the benefits of being a son. That same picture is painted each time your child takes a Break. You can be ready and waiting for your child to return to you talk about the problem and then enjoy family life.

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One dad said, “I sometimes continue to say no until my daughter accepts my answer and then, after the discussion is over, determine whether to reevaluate the decision based on her response. If she gets angry and mean with me, I point out her demandingness. If she has a gracious response I consider whether I can change my answer.”

Another dad had a different approach. “As I evaluated my interaction with Joey I discovered that I would say no too early in the dialogue. This would move him into an attacking mode because he was frustrated that I didn’t hear him out. I realized that I was making a decision too quickly. As I spent more time listening and affirming his ideas before I made a decision, I saw a change in his attitude toward my final answer.”

Both of these parents accomplished the goal of helping their children learn to accept a no answer. The first dad determined to say no in order to train his daughter to respond graciously. The second dad postponed his answer to let his son feel understood. Because children and parents are all different, you must look for things that will work for your family. By evaluating your present routines and then making some well-planned adjustments, you will see change in your children as well.

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Furthermore, these patterns often come from habits that have been practiced for a long time. These reasons are not excuses for inappropriate behavior but they’re a further indication that the job will take concentrated effort from the child and the parents.

Part of the issue is immaturity; the child hasn’t learned how to pick up on the social cues or restrain behavior as much as we’d like. But these children need more than just time to grow up. They need concentrated work to develop two character qualities: self-control and sensitivity. These qualities not only help children when they’re young, but they become tools for success as children get older.

Here are some working definitions for sensitivity and self-control to get you started with your children in this area:

Self-control is the ability to control myself so that Mom and Dad don’t have to.

Self-control means to think before I act.

Self-control is the ability to talk about problems instead of grabbing, pushing, or hitting.

Self-control means that I limit the noises I make when others are around.

Self-control means that I focus on one thing until it gets done, before I move to the next.

Sensitivity means that when I walk into a room I look and listen before I speak.

Sensitivity is thinking about how my actions are affecting other people.

Sensitivity means thinking about how I could help someone else.

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When a second child comes along the first child loses something very important. He or she is no longer the only object of parental attention. What used to be “all mine” must now be shared (toys, as well as attention and time), posing some adjustment problems for most children.

We recommend a two-fold approach at these challenging times. First, give your first child more attention than you normally would. He or she needs to feel special. He’s a big brother now. She can do things the baby can’t. He’s unique and has some qualities that make him enjoyable and special. This child needs to know that she has a valuable role in your family and is not being replaced. Overemphasizing love and attention may satisfy the need and the problem may just go away.

If not, we recommend that you also increase the firm discipline to reinforce the new boundaries. “No, you may not hit the baby. I want you to sit here until you’re ready to come back and show me how you can be gentle.” Firmness at bedtimes and when following directions is also important. Don’t excuse wrong behavior because a child is experiencing some emotional pain.

Be sensitive and loving but be firm as well. Your child has just grown into a new and important stage of life. Although we want to make the adjustment as easy as possible we don’t want to ignore the opportunity to develop character.

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It’s important to remember two rules of engagement when confronted by a child’s anger. First, don’t be afraid of your child’s emotions. Sometimes children use outbursts as a form of self-protection to prevent parents from challenging them. View the display of emotion as a smoke screen and look past it to the heart of the issue. You may not confront in the heat of emotion but don’t let your child’s anger prevent you from correcting him or her. Parents too often see the emotion as a personal attack and react to it, losing any real benefit that could come from the interaction. That brings us to…

Rule of engagement #2: Don’t’ use your own anger to overpower your child’s anger. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away anger.” When you begin to lose it, take a break. Come back later and work on it some more.

“I’ve been thinking about the way you responded to me earlier when I asked you to do your homework. I’d like to share an observation that might be helpful for you. It seems that you believe you ought to be able to wait and do your homework just before bed or in the morning before you go to school. Is that what you’re saying? One of the values I’m trying to teach you is that self-discipline often means we work first and play later. That’s one of the reasons I require you to do your homework early every day. I’m trying to teach you an important value. I know that you may not agree with me, but I want you to know why I’m asking you to do homework before dinner.”

Allowing emotions to settle first can bring opportunities for dialogue later, instead of turning the present issue into a battleground. Realize that kids will go away thinking about what you’ve said, even if their initial response looks as if they haven’t heard you. This is especially true for teenagers. Prepare what you’re going to say and choose your timing carefully without getting caught up in the emotion of the moment.

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If little Brian has pulled a chair over to the counter and is climbing onto it, you may say, “Brian, we don’t climb on chairs.”
“But I was just…”
“No, you need to get down. Obey first and then we’ll talk about it.” Once he gets down, discuss the problem and find a solution together.
“Karl, go get your pajamas on.”
“I don’t want to go to bed.”
“No, obey first and then we’ll talk about it.”

To some parents this may sound like blind obedience. We’ve all heard stories about people who were led into cultish activity because they couldn’t think for themselves. No parent wants a child to fall into a pattern of blindly following a leader’s instructions, but evaluating instructions is an advanced skill.

Many parents have gone too far in the other direction ending up with children who can’t follow simple instructions without a dialogue. Parents sometimes believe they have to talk their child into wanting to obey. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children that if you don’t like a request then that’s enough reason to resist it. These children make poor employees, develop selfish attitudes about following someone else’s leadership, and have a difficult time in relationships because they haven’t learned how to sacrifice their own agenda for others.

Talking is important but sometimes even we, as adults, must obey first and then understand later. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son without fully understanding and then considered it faith for him to obey. Peter didn’t know why he was to go to Cornelius’ house but went anyway only to discover that God wanted to bring salvation to the Gentiles. Philip was asked to leave a revival in Samaria and go out into the wilderness, not knowing why, but when he got there he led an Ethiopian man to Christ.

Evaluating instructions is an advanced skill and will become important later on but children need to learn that sometimes we all must “obey first and then we’ll talk about it.”

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Children are tempted to have a bad attitude in three prominent areas: when given an instruction, when corrected, and when given a “no” answer. One mom put a sign up in her kitchen listing those three areas with the heading, “Three opportunities for a good attitude.”

Take time to talk about attitude with your children. Discuss the importance and benefits of a good attitude. Help your children understand these three areas and even warn your child when one of them is coming. Coach your children to have a better response.

The next time your child demonstrates a bad attitude, don’t just point out the negative but teach how to respond rightly. When given an instruction, a child might say, “Okay Mom,” in a pleasant tone of voice. When corrected, it would be helpful to say, “I’m sorry.” When receiving a “no” answer, children might say to themselves, “Okay, maybe another time.”

A bad attitude is often a sign of an angry spirit and the groaning, rolled eyes, sarcasm, stomping feet, or disgusted look are all attempts to communicate dissatisfaction with the situation. Gently point out these bad habits and help your children to practice better responses. Be careful of your own harshness in the process and look for ways to break the problem down into manageable pieces.

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Punishment is external. Conscience is internal. So what does that mean for parents?

Good news. God has created inside the heart of your child a piece of standard operating equipment that helps you do your job as a parent. Of course, the conscience isn’t a lot of help until it’s trained. But daily life regularly provides the opportunities to train the conscience.

Look for ways to get kids thinking about the conscience in their own lives. You can do that in part by talking about their motivations for doing what’s right. After all, if they only do what’s right to avoid punishment or to get a reward then they’re missing out on the benefits of the internal prompting of the conscience.

The reality is that maturity and responsibility require that a person do what’s right when no one is watching and when no apparent reward is available. The child just does it because it’s right. Now, children have the key to growing up and being responsible, and that’s to do what’s right even without external prompters.

Of course children still need parents to help them know what’s right in any given situation but as parents work along with the God-given equipment in a child’s heart, they transfer the responsibility to the child. That’s great news and something we all look forward to.

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